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It's over, it's over, it's OVER. The "one week" trial which actually took nine days is OVER! I can finally vent about it! And oh there's a lot to vent about, for it is a strange and sad and convoluted tale of woe on the part of everyone involved.
JUDGE: Welcome to the Court, jury. You're now the Sole Arbiters of the Truth.
JURY: Yay!
JUDGE: Also, we own your asses for as long as we want them. You may, possibly, get $50 a day.
JURY:...yay?
TEAM ROUGHNECK: We're suing! We were hired to build this house. The contract says we were supposed to get paid regularly and we weren't. No one wants to work in October when they haven't been paid since July. Also, the homeowner's wife? Drew up the architectural plans. The homeowner's wife? Not an architect. The homeowner's wife? Didn't put measurements on the blueprints. The homeowner's wife? Kept changing her mind about where she wanted the windows and decks to go. The homeowner's wife? Made us want to slit our wrists rather than deal with her. We want to get paid, plz.
JURY: Well dang, not paid for three months? This will be pretty easy.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: We're counter-suing! First meet the town building inspector.
INSPECTOR: Walls falling down, roof falling off, 26 building code violations, yet for some reason I will spend most of my time talking about how the basement stairs were legally required to be 36 inches wide and were really 33.
JURY: ....okay, maybe not so easy.
STAR WITNESS GANKED FROM WENTWORTH WHERE HE *TEACHES* THE BUILDING CODE: I brought my own laser pointer and gigantic pictures and will now spend 8 hours showing you in excruciating detail why my team had to spend 4 months doing nothing but *fixing* all of Team Roughneck's mistakes. Here's the only picture you really need, though. See that foundation there? See that house hanging a foot over it unsupported by anything? That's BAD.
JURY: Yikes!
STAR WITNESS: Also, basement stairs blah blah.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: Please bear in mind that the reason we are counter-suing for $500,000, even though we only have receipts and invoices for $90,000, is NOT because we are greedy weasels who have a history of not paying anybody, anytime, anywhere, without being dragged into court. It's because...um...have we mentioned the basement stairs? Oh, and please meet our next witness, who does things with numbers.
GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ED BEGLEY, JR.: I never saw the house, but I talked with Star Witness and Homeowner, and here is my math for how much all the repairs cost based on what they told me to write down.
TEAM ROUGHNECK: We'll see your Ed Begley, and raise you one number-cruncher who looks like Bill Murray with glasses!
BILL MURRAY: Ed Begley's math is nuttier than a chipmunk's small intestine, and I can prove it in small, easy-to-understand words. Also, I saved the world from Gozer.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: But...but...you were never on hand at the building site!
JURY: Buhwha?
TEAM HOMEOWNER: It's true! He wasn't!
BILL MURRAY: I. Did. MATH. Numbers? Adding?
TEAM HOMEOWNER: Basement stairs!
JUDGE: Alright, Jury, you've heard weasels lie to you for a week, now all you have to do is render a verdict--
JURY: Yay!
JUDGE:--by coming to an agreement on each of these 27 questions.
JURY: ARGH! If we cannibalize Ed Begley, is it an automatic mistrial?
JUDGE: I'll give you a big hint: when both parties break a contract, the party who breaks it first isn't entitled to any compensation from the other party.
JURY: Grumble mistrial grumble
JUDGE: Also, we'll order pizza for you while you deliberate.
JURY: Let's do some justice!
******
JUROR 4: Homeowner didn't know the other side had breached the contract when he stopped paying!
ME: It's true. If the other side had built better, he'd be in hot water. He totally lucked out.
JUROR 4: That doesn't seem right!
ME: Well, it's...you know how when you rear-end another vehicle and their trunk pops open and it's full of dead bodies, you don't get a ticket? It's just like that.
SUDDEN APPALLED SILENCE FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM
ME: Um...it might not say that in Massachusetts law. But I'm pretty sure that's the case in Maine?
*******
JUDGE: Have you reached a verdict?
JURY: We have! Both sides should be stripped of all their belongings, their property sown with salt so that nothing can grow, and they should be driven into the wilderness with no food to eat but candy corn and no shelter except a windblock made out of a flatscreen TV perpetually showing Dane Cook movies, there to lament their utterly wasted lives and rue the day this court case began.
Also, we say that Team Roughneck owes Team Homeowner about $60,000 in repair costs.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: I spent more than that on my lawyers' shoes!
JURY: BITE us. Sincerely.
JUDGE: Welcome to the Court, jury. You're now the Sole Arbiters of the Truth.
JURY: Yay!
JUDGE: Also, we own your asses for as long as we want them. You may, possibly, get $50 a day.
JURY:...yay?
TEAM ROUGHNECK: We're suing! We were hired to build this house. The contract says we were supposed to get paid regularly and we weren't. No one wants to work in October when they haven't been paid since July. Also, the homeowner's wife? Drew up the architectural plans. The homeowner's wife? Not an architect. The homeowner's wife? Didn't put measurements on the blueprints. The homeowner's wife? Kept changing her mind about where she wanted the windows and decks to go. The homeowner's wife? Made us want to slit our wrists rather than deal with her. We want to get paid, plz.
JURY: Well dang, not paid for three months? This will be pretty easy.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: We're counter-suing! First meet the town building inspector.
INSPECTOR: Walls falling down, roof falling off, 26 building code violations, yet for some reason I will spend most of my time talking about how the basement stairs were legally required to be 36 inches wide and were really 33.
JURY: ....okay, maybe not so easy.
STAR WITNESS GANKED FROM WENTWORTH WHERE HE *TEACHES* THE BUILDING CODE: I brought my own laser pointer and gigantic pictures and will now spend 8 hours showing you in excruciating detail why my team had to spend 4 months doing nothing but *fixing* all of Team Roughneck's mistakes. Here's the only picture you really need, though. See that foundation there? See that house hanging a foot over it unsupported by anything? That's BAD.
JURY: Yikes!
STAR WITNESS: Also, basement stairs blah blah.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: Please bear in mind that the reason we are counter-suing for $500,000, even though we only have receipts and invoices for $90,000, is NOT because we are greedy weasels who have a history of not paying anybody, anytime, anywhere, without being dragged into court. It's because...um...have we mentioned the basement stairs? Oh, and please meet our next witness, who does things with numbers.
GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ED BEGLEY, JR.: I never saw the house, but I talked with Star Witness and Homeowner, and here is my math for how much all the repairs cost based on what they told me to write down.
TEAM ROUGHNECK: We'll see your Ed Begley, and raise you one number-cruncher who looks like Bill Murray with glasses!
BILL MURRAY: Ed Begley's math is nuttier than a chipmunk's small intestine, and I can prove it in small, easy-to-understand words. Also, I saved the world from Gozer.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: But...but...you were never on hand at the building site!
JURY: Buhwha?
TEAM HOMEOWNER: It's true! He wasn't!
BILL MURRAY: I. Did. MATH. Numbers? Adding?
TEAM HOMEOWNER: Basement stairs!
JUDGE: Alright, Jury, you've heard weasels lie to you for a week, now all you have to do is render a verdict--
JURY: Yay!
JUDGE:--by coming to an agreement on each of these 27 questions.
JURY: ARGH! If we cannibalize Ed Begley, is it an automatic mistrial?
JUDGE: I'll give you a big hint: when both parties break a contract, the party who breaks it first isn't entitled to any compensation from the other party.
JURY: Grumble mistrial grumble
JUDGE: Also, we'll order pizza for you while you deliberate.
JURY: Let's do some justice!
******
JUROR 4: Homeowner didn't know the other side had breached the contract when he stopped paying!
ME: It's true. If the other side had built better, he'd be in hot water. He totally lucked out.
JUROR 4: That doesn't seem right!
ME: Well, it's...you know how when you rear-end another vehicle and their trunk pops open and it's full of dead bodies, you don't get a ticket? It's just like that.
SUDDEN APPALLED SILENCE FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM
ME: Um...it might not say that in Massachusetts law. But I'm pretty sure that's the case in Maine?
*******
JUDGE: Have you reached a verdict?
JURY: We have! Both sides should be stripped of all their belongings, their property sown with salt so that nothing can grow, and they should be driven into the wilderness with no food to eat but candy corn and no shelter except a windblock made out of a flatscreen TV perpetually showing Dane Cook movies, there to lament their utterly wasted lives and rue the day this court case began.
Also, we say that Team Roughneck owes Team Homeowner about $60,000 in repair costs.
TEAM HOMEOWNER: I spent more than that on my lawyers' shoes!
JURY: BITE us. Sincerely.
