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oakenguyA chronicle so huge that not only is it LJ-cut, it's in two parts! Just like 'Kill Bill'! Only with monsters!
The Ingredients:
6-person production team;
3 cameras;
24 volunteers in form-fitting green-and-black rubber suits with stylish bug masks (hereafter referred to as The Swarm), including the neuroscientist I spin fire with;
5 monster wrestlers, allies of the Swarm, known as Team Space Bug (and friends), including a large blue alien with a single eye and a sphincter in the middle of its body; a large orange creature made out of lava; several insects including American Beetle, who has red white and blue boxers on (half beetle, ALL patriot!), and the Silver Potato, who, well, is a big silver potato;
20 volunteers in hospital scrubs and zombie masks, wielding a strange assortment of weapons which include machetes, bricks, a cinderblock, a spatula and a priceless Da Vinci painting (hereafter referred to as Dr. Cube’s Minions, the lowest members of Dr. Cube’s Posse), including the shy woman I buy my comic books from, and the large bald man I mentioned earlier with the history of mental instability and strange foam flecks at the corners of his mouth;
6-8 monsters making up the higher tiers of Dr. Cube’s Posse, including a very large monster made out of a New Jersey landfill, a cranky gorilla, a cranky possessed bright-red gorilla named Hellmonkey, an evil tree, and an adorable lime-green dinosaur with big googly eyes who looks like a huge beanie baby. Only evil;
Five fake sheep, two-dimensional;
One fake sheep, three-dimensional and stuffed with organs for the Very Special Scene where a laser bisects it and it falls apart;
One Irate Scottish Farmer, prepared to charge onto the field and kick but in an Even More Special Scene taking place right after the sheep incident;
One rolling New Hampshire pasture;
300 little slippery reminders that horses were using this pasture very, very recently;
One LJ-er, myself, with a minion outfit and a Very Large Mallet.
THE PLOT, AS FAR AS I COULD RECKON IT
A giant space egg has landed on earth and begun hatching large numbers of Swarm warriors, tipping the balance of power among Monster Wrestlers. To counter this, Dr. Cube and Hellmonkey try to capture a Swarm member, nearly get caught by the entire army, but have their own army charge up the hill to the rescue in time for a bodacious fight. One hitherto unnoticed minion with a Very Large Mallet distinguishes himself grandly before switching to a spear and taking out, with only a wee bit of assistance, one of Team Space Bug’s most famous monsters! (Before getting horrifically killed with his own mallet).
MY DAY
5:00AM Wake up much, much too early. Drink the first of many Starbucks I’ve stashed around the house and car, like an alcoholic who keeps an emergency Schlitz in the toilet tank.
6:00 Get to Kaiju HQ, where we rendezvous, change into the bottom layers of our costumes, and carpool up. For the Swarm this just means black tights and shirts; for the Minions it’s everything except our masks. After a while it becomes clear that there are actually more drivers present than people who need rides, and we vamoose. I drink a Starbucks. I glance at the directions I’ve been handed and laugh, for I know a shortcut to I-93!
6:10-7:15 Lost in Ashmont, Quincy, Braintree and what look like sections of Rhode Island. Finally stop at a convenience store to get directions. As I walk in it hits me that I’m wearing hospital scrubs, and if someone has a medical emergency everyone will instinctively expect me to respond. Start practicing the phrase “Hey, I’m just a dentist”
7:53 finally reach the film site. From the road it’s gorgeous—there’s the little hill with the coffee and bagels, the little hill where the film crew is gathered, the field where all the minions are walking and getting into positi---uh oh. Chug a Starbucks. Runrunrunrunrun.
7:54 Discover the first of many horse manure ‘gifts’ left for us on the field. Run a lot more slowly and carefully.
7:57 Get into position with my fellow minions and adjust the mask and silver-painted football helmet I’ve been issued, get ready for the cameras to roll for our first scene wherein we charge towards the cameras in what will look like an unstoppable wave of evil...except that between the thick cloth of the mask and the slightly too-small helmet, I’m a half-deaf, very muffled evil.
7:58 After the first charge, several things are discovered.
1) Running with the mask and helmet is like exercising with a Teddy Ruxpin stuck on your head.
2) That’s okay, because it’s even worse for the rubber-suited members of the Posse, some of whom can’t move their legs at more than a shuffle. Dinokang is bent over with his big white claws on his big green knees and his gaping jaw hanging open, looking like someone on the verge of regurgitating a couple ocean liners.
Our next four charges for the camera are much slower
8-10:00 Hang out with fellow minions while the Swarm gets filmed ‘hatching’ and getting greeted by Team Space Bug. Caitlin and I compare notes about the comic book store we both love and which of the wacky Japanese porn they sell squicks us (for the record, the only title that’s given her trouble is “Garbonzas”, which caters to folks with the gigantic-80-pound-breasts-that-need-a-wheelbarrow-to-walk-around-with fetish. And by trouble she means ‘unable to sell to someone without laughing’).
Some of the rubber monster actors have taken off the tops and are walking around in just the monster legs, like giant deformed overalls. Others are just getting into costume—our friend James emerges from the port-a-potty in his kilt and sporran, prompting cheers and an endless stream of “Groundskeeper Willie” quotes.
Meanwhile, the Swarm is in trouble. See, they were cast based on their body shape, lean and lanky being the preference. They were not cast based on their ability to tell left from right and keep in step, and when the director’s vision of them involves having two long lines of Swarm emerging from the egg and splitting into separate columns, there’s trouble. When you watch that scene on the DVD, imagine the entire production staff clapping time while at least one yells “Left! No, other left!”
Next post: the actual battle! One minion falls, another learns a lot about fluid pressure, and a media junkie has a very fun car ride.
The Ingredients:
6-person production team;
3 cameras;
24 volunteers in form-fitting green-and-black rubber suits with stylish bug masks (hereafter referred to as The Swarm), including the neuroscientist I spin fire with;
5 monster wrestlers, allies of the Swarm, known as Team Space Bug (and friends), including a large blue alien with a single eye and a sphincter in the middle of its body; a large orange creature made out of lava; several insects including American Beetle, who has red white and blue boxers on (half beetle, ALL patriot!), and the Silver Potato, who, well, is a big silver potato;
20 volunteers in hospital scrubs and zombie masks, wielding a strange assortment of weapons which include machetes, bricks, a cinderblock, a spatula and a priceless Da Vinci painting (hereafter referred to as Dr. Cube’s Minions, the lowest members of Dr. Cube’s Posse), including the shy woman I buy my comic books from, and the large bald man I mentioned earlier with the history of mental instability and strange foam flecks at the corners of his mouth;
6-8 monsters making up the higher tiers of Dr. Cube’s Posse, including a very large monster made out of a New Jersey landfill, a cranky gorilla, a cranky possessed bright-red gorilla named Hellmonkey, an evil tree, and an adorable lime-green dinosaur with big googly eyes who looks like a huge beanie baby. Only evil;
Five fake sheep, two-dimensional;
One fake sheep, three-dimensional and stuffed with organs for the Very Special Scene where a laser bisects it and it falls apart;
One Irate Scottish Farmer, prepared to charge onto the field and kick but in an Even More Special Scene taking place right after the sheep incident;
One rolling New Hampshire pasture;
300 little slippery reminders that horses were using this pasture very, very recently;
One LJ-er, myself, with a minion outfit and a Very Large Mallet.
THE PLOT, AS FAR AS I COULD RECKON IT
A giant space egg has landed on earth and begun hatching large numbers of Swarm warriors, tipping the balance of power among Monster Wrestlers. To counter this, Dr. Cube and Hellmonkey try to capture a Swarm member, nearly get caught by the entire army, but have their own army charge up the hill to the rescue in time for a bodacious fight. One hitherto unnoticed minion with a Very Large Mallet distinguishes himself grandly before switching to a spear and taking out, with only a wee bit of assistance, one of Team Space Bug’s most famous monsters! (Before getting horrifically killed with his own mallet).
MY DAY
5:00AM Wake up much, much too early. Drink the first of many Starbucks I’ve stashed around the house and car, like an alcoholic who keeps an emergency Schlitz in the toilet tank.
6:00 Get to Kaiju HQ, where we rendezvous, change into the bottom layers of our costumes, and carpool up. For the Swarm this just means black tights and shirts; for the Minions it’s everything except our masks. After a while it becomes clear that there are actually more drivers present than people who need rides, and we vamoose. I drink a Starbucks. I glance at the directions I’ve been handed and laugh, for I know a shortcut to I-93!
6:10-7:15 Lost in Ashmont, Quincy, Braintree and what look like sections of Rhode Island. Finally stop at a convenience store to get directions. As I walk in it hits me that I’m wearing hospital scrubs, and if someone has a medical emergency everyone will instinctively expect me to respond. Start practicing the phrase “Hey, I’m just a dentist”
7:53 finally reach the film site. From the road it’s gorgeous—there’s the little hill with the coffee and bagels, the little hill where the film crew is gathered, the field where all the minions are walking and getting into positi---uh oh. Chug a Starbucks. Runrunrunrunrun.
7:54 Discover the first of many horse manure ‘gifts’ left for us on the field. Run a lot more slowly and carefully.
7:57 Get into position with my fellow minions and adjust the mask and silver-painted football helmet I’ve been issued, get ready for the cameras to roll for our first scene wherein we charge towards the cameras in what will look like an unstoppable wave of evil...except that between the thick cloth of the mask and the slightly too-small helmet, I’m a half-deaf, very muffled evil.
7:58 After the first charge, several things are discovered.
1) Running with the mask and helmet is like exercising with a Teddy Ruxpin stuck on your head.
2) That’s okay, because it’s even worse for the rubber-suited members of the Posse, some of whom can’t move their legs at more than a shuffle. Dinokang is bent over with his big white claws on his big green knees and his gaping jaw hanging open, looking like someone on the verge of regurgitating a couple ocean liners.
Our next four charges for the camera are much slower
8-10:00 Hang out with fellow minions while the Swarm gets filmed ‘hatching’ and getting greeted by Team Space Bug. Caitlin and I compare notes about the comic book store we both love and which of the wacky Japanese porn they sell squicks us (for the record, the only title that’s given her trouble is “Garbonzas”, which caters to folks with the gigantic-80-pound-breasts-that-need-a-wheelbarrow-to-walk-around-with fetish. And by trouble she means ‘unable to sell to someone without laughing’).
Some of the rubber monster actors have taken off the tops and are walking around in just the monster legs, like giant deformed overalls. Others are just getting into costume—our friend James emerges from the port-a-potty in his kilt and sporran, prompting cheers and an endless stream of “Groundskeeper Willie” quotes.
Meanwhile, the Swarm is in trouble. See, they were cast based on their body shape, lean and lanky being the preference. They were not cast based on their ability to tell left from right and keep in step, and when the director’s vision of them involves having two long lines of Swarm emerging from the egg and splitting into separate columns, there’s trouble. When you watch that scene on the DVD, imagine the entire production staff clapping time while at least one yells “Left! No, other left!”
Next post: the actual battle! One minion falls, another learns a lot about fluid pressure, and a media junkie has a very fun car ride.
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Date: 2003-10-16 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-16 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-16 03:23 pm (UTC)And yeah, I stash Diet Coke all over my house...
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Date: 2003-10-16 07:47 pm (UTC)Other Rose, much amused