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Apr. 4th, 2003 02:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oakenguyNotes from my first-ever Armenian funeral. Tasteless and disrespectful.
Woo, short attention span and long service for someone I barely know do *not* go together! Welcome to my stream of consciousness...
10:15. The body's in the exact center of the church, in the middle aisle. You walk past him to the front of the church and turn left to greet the family, who're sitting in the first row. So they're sitting with their backs to their husband/dad/relative? That seems odd...probably says more about my own neuroses than anything else, though.
10:16 So we talk to the widow, sit down, and wait. And watch the other folks filing past. And think somber thoughts. Oh, this is SO not how I want my own funeral to go.
10:20 That family's going to have to nod and interact with about 1000 people, one after the other, each of them pausing to say something about the Departed. One one level I can see how that'd be comforting, each new person like another thread in a mesh of support...and on another level, I'd be in an altered state of consciousness by Mourner #320.
10:23 I need to make friends with more jazz musicians--they make the best-looking mourners! They're all skinny cuz they're underfed, and they need good-looking dark clothes for their gigs.
10:25 Mourners don't really know what facial expressions to have. Most try to look sad; some go for pained, and look like something's biting them on the calf...a few are smiling. I guess they're trying to look comforting, but it's so wrong--they look like they're smirking about the inheritance.
10:28 A middle-aged woman who looks a bit like a female Emeril just burst into loud sobbing, and everyone around her rolled their eyes and looked at each other. This is so fascinating that I've invented an entire backstory for her. She's the Sobber, and goes to every funeral the church holds because she gets off on the catharsis of having a socially-approved breakdown. I can see myself doing this if my life goes a certain way.
10:30 Looking at the stained glass windows, it seems like Armenian saints all look really pissed-off! And damn, did Christ really have that much in the way of upper-body muscles?!? And why is the angel coming down out of the sky with a big golden hammer??
10:32 I think the guy in the window closest to me is Saint Badassius.
10:34 I think he's the patron saint of punching people in the mothafuckin' neck.
10:42 A leather skirt?! What was she thinking??
10:46 Something around here smells like dog pee....
10:50 Someone's fainted! Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!
10:51 Almost a thousand people, and no one has smelling salts? Were my parents that unusual?
10:51:30 Of course, they might've been the only folks with a kid who'd hold his breath until he passed out, just to see what would happen...
10:51:45 ...or a Dad who routinely stole from the hospital he worked at...
11:20 The priests have metallic silver and purple capes! Bad ass! I want one! Priests in garb!
11:30 You know, it's an Armenian church service for an Armenian citizen, so it really shouldn't surprise me that the service is in Armenian, not English...
11:34 Armenian sounds sorta like a record being played backwards, and sorta like a wooden cart full of pottery tumbling down a hill and bouncing off rocks. I like it.
11:39 The Priest is sorta talking, then sorta singing, then talking again, no pause between the two, and I have no idea what he's saying. It's like listening to the Armenian Tom Waits.
11:44 Can we sit down yet?
11:48 I can't believe I'm having a sexy daydream at a funeral service! No! Down! Bad libido! Focus!
11:59 We proceed out and pass a priest on the left holding a candle, and one on the right holding a cross. Are they trying to screen for supernatural critters?
12:03 *sniff sniff* Oh, TELL me the dog pee scent isn't coming from my jacket! Oh no you di'int!!
Woo, short attention span and long service for someone I barely know do *not* go together! Welcome to my stream of consciousness...
10:15. The body's in the exact center of the church, in the middle aisle. You walk past him to the front of the church and turn left to greet the family, who're sitting in the first row. So they're sitting with their backs to their husband/dad/relative? That seems odd...probably says more about my own neuroses than anything else, though.
10:16 So we talk to the widow, sit down, and wait. And watch the other folks filing past. And think somber thoughts. Oh, this is SO not how I want my own funeral to go.
10:20 That family's going to have to nod and interact with about 1000 people, one after the other, each of them pausing to say something about the Departed. One one level I can see how that'd be comforting, each new person like another thread in a mesh of support...and on another level, I'd be in an altered state of consciousness by Mourner #320.
10:23 I need to make friends with more jazz musicians--they make the best-looking mourners! They're all skinny cuz they're underfed, and they need good-looking dark clothes for their gigs.
10:25 Mourners don't really know what facial expressions to have. Most try to look sad; some go for pained, and look like something's biting them on the calf...a few are smiling. I guess they're trying to look comforting, but it's so wrong--they look like they're smirking about the inheritance.
10:28 A middle-aged woman who looks a bit like a female Emeril just burst into loud sobbing, and everyone around her rolled their eyes and looked at each other. This is so fascinating that I've invented an entire backstory for her. She's the Sobber, and goes to every funeral the church holds because she gets off on the catharsis of having a socially-approved breakdown. I can see myself doing this if my life goes a certain way.
10:30 Looking at the stained glass windows, it seems like Armenian saints all look really pissed-off! And damn, did Christ really have that much in the way of upper-body muscles?!? And why is the angel coming down out of the sky with a big golden hammer??
10:32 I think the guy in the window closest to me is Saint Badassius.
10:34 I think he's the patron saint of punching people in the mothafuckin' neck.
10:42 A leather skirt?! What was she thinking??
10:46 Something around here smells like dog pee....
10:50 Someone's fainted! Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!
10:51 Almost a thousand people, and no one has smelling salts? Were my parents that unusual?
10:51:30 Of course, they might've been the only folks with a kid who'd hold his breath until he passed out, just to see what would happen...
10:51:45 ...or a Dad who routinely stole from the hospital he worked at...
11:20 The priests have metallic silver and purple capes! Bad ass! I want one! Priests in garb!
11:30 You know, it's an Armenian church service for an Armenian citizen, so it really shouldn't surprise me that the service is in Armenian, not English...
11:34 Armenian sounds sorta like a record being played backwards, and sorta like a wooden cart full of pottery tumbling down a hill and bouncing off rocks. I like it.
11:39 The Priest is sorta talking, then sorta singing, then talking again, no pause between the two, and I have no idea what he's saying. It's like listening to the Armenian Tom Waits.
11:44 Can we sit down yet?
11:48 I can't believe I'm having a sexy daydream at a funeral service! No! Down! Bad libido! Focus!
11:59 We proceed out and pass a priest on the left holding a candle, and one on the right holding a cross. Are they trying to screen for supernatural critters?
12:03 *sniff sniff* Oh, TELL me the dog pee scent isn't coming from my jacket! Oh no you di'int!!
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-04 01:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-04 01:32 pm (UTC)(And, BTW, I don't think it's bad that you'd be bored and have such interesting non-funeral thoughts while there.)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-04 02:37 pm (UTC)Oh my goodness . . . I was nearly in tears of laughter at the end of this. Part of me feels horribly bad about it, but it's true.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-05 09:14 am (UTC)That was funny as hell!!!
Re:
Date: 2003-04-07 07:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 10:31 am (UTC)It leaves certain obvious questions hanging, right around quarter of twelve, but I'll be a good friend and not ask. :)
Re:
Date: 2003-04-09 10:35 am (UTC)