(no subject)

[oakenguy]

So a lot of good things happened yesterday,

BUT

I also tried Stinky Tofu.

Stinky Tofu is without a doubt the worst thing I've ever put into my mouth, and that includes the time I mistook a friend's cigarette ash watercup for my cup of soda.

D will tell you it smelled like feet; she's being kind. When decomposing zombies walk the earth making their shambling way through the corpses of their unholy kind and the guts of their victims over the course of days and weeks, when we smell their feet D will look at me and I'll just raise my eyebrows because no words will be necessary. STINKY TOFU.

I did. not. like. this. food.

To anticipate your questions, no, I did not buy this. Someone at my table did, and D passed one down and said, "Hey, try a piece" and I did because deep in our marriage vows there's this clause about being a good sport. And I sniffed it tentatively and it was wretched, enough that everyone at the table cracked up at the expression on my face, but I crossed my fingers and popped the piece in my mouth.

Sometimes when you do that with smelly food the taste transmutes and you find you've discovered something good, or at least tolerable--escargot stuffed with brie, for example, tastes nothing like it looks or smells (thank heavens). But No. No not this time ohgod no. I swear to god the stink bloomed and intensified, like Mt. Doom erupting when the Ring hit it. I drank my entire mug of hot tea to try to wash it down. Then my entire glass of water. Then some hot sauce. Then a dumpling. Then I went home and brushed my teeth. Then I washed my hands and changed my clothes. Then I gargled with Listerine. Then it seemed to be okay for about an hour and then, somehow, I caught another whiff so I brushed my teeth again.

It's a day later and still, every now and then, I can still smell it!! I have a horrible hunch that it's like garlic and its somehow made its way into my sweat glands. THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

Comments

[kali921.livejournal.com]

If you can abide the mints, I suggest strong cups of either spearmint or peppermint tea (with or without your sweetener of choice). Try drinking a cup an hour. I've found that when I've ingested (I won't dignify such food with the label "willingly eaten") horrible tasting things that mint really, really overpowers and negates the awesome power of such beasts as stinky tofu.

But you gotta keep drinkin' that mint tea, yo. One cup won't do it.


There's also this conundrum: WHERE you get your stinky tofu is all important. Some restaurants use things like dead fish to speed up the fermentation process. A *good* stinky tofu is marinated in brine, vegetables, dried shrimp, and dependent on the vendor, a few other ingredients. It smells ripe, yes, but when it's done fermenting it's chock full of probiotic bacteria.

Stinky tofu is why I'm never going near street vendors in Taiwan. Because it's considered a national delicacy there.

For the record? I've only had it once.

Once was enough. I say this as someone who will try just about every permutation of tofu known to humanity at least once.

EDIT: PS - never mention escargot again. UGH. I'm off food for the next twenty-four hours.

[retention.livejournal.com]

*fear*

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

So wait, on top of everything else it's not even vegan? That's the perfect icing on the suckcake!

I promise, I'll never mention the e-word again. I'd actually supressed that horrible memory for years until the tofu woke it up.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

But besides that Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy your meal?

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

I did! The company was good, Voz gave me a handmade magnet with a little monster saying 'I'm Dramatic!', a lion dog paraded right past me at one point, and every now and then the front door would open and a blast of firecracker smoke would come in and the sulphur would dilute the stench of the tofu. Blessed sulphur.

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

Sounds like whoever named the stuff didn't have high hopes for its enjoyableness either!

[helianthas.livejournal.com]

lol!!!

[meesto.livejournal.com]

I can only say that you are fortunate to have never had pizza beer. Unlike pizza *and* beer which is a tasty combination, pizza beer is made by cramming a large sausage pizza into the keg along with a freshly conditioned batch of ale and leaving to 'steep' for three years. It tastes very wrong and I rank the experience of drinking (barely tasting really) as one of the most reckless and idiotic things I have ever done. Right up there with walking on lava, which only an hour earlier had been red-hot and liquid.

I will take your advice and avoid Stinky Tofu© at all costs.

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

This is one of those 'who was the first person to try this and WHY?' food items. Were there other kegs filled with other snack foods that turned out even worse? "Ugh, the Doritos beer is just off." "Maybe we should let it steep another year."

[clionona.livejournal.com]

Stinky Tofu.

Um, I think the name is the first clue not to eat it! XD

Hope it's not in your sweat glands! Horror, indeed!

[sistahraven.livejournal.com]

I second the recommend of mint tea. It can dull most things.

also, I must add: comedy is tragedy which happens to someone else.

I'm laughing so hard right now, and I'm so sorry you had to experience STINKY TOFU!

[plastickitty.livejournal.com]

Oh my.

I wonder if stinky tofu is anything like natto, fermented soy beans. The way you describe it sounds similar, especially the part about rotting corpses.

[contradictacat.livejournal.com]

And now you have to try...DURIAN!

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

The best way to try durian is in the dead of winter, outdoors or in an unheated shelter (or if you're in a place that doesn't have cold winters, a walk-in freezer). The cold mutes the foul odor, and lets you appreciate the (honestly) delicious flavor of the fruit.

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

Noooooooooo!!

[vozeatscake.livejournal.com]

Oh Brian. I'm so sorry.

Here's a small attempt to repay you for the torture you had to endure: I will tell you to NEVER NEVER NEVER read how it's made. You don't want to know. YOU DON'T.

Oh and I'll use my Yotsuba icon, maybe that will ease the pain a little too?

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

Oh YAY! Yotsuba makes everything better. :)