(no subject)

[oakenguy]

Because I want this on record, and plan to die before any of y'all because, no offense, attending your funerals would SUCK, I hereby type:

What I Want Done With My Body.

Option 1: Stuff me with rocks and drop me off a tall building onto Jesse Helms. John Ashcroft is also acceptable.

Option 2: Have a normal service in a church and bill it as open casket, but mount the coffin on the ceiling and have it closed. Have the coffin rigged so that during the eulogies if anyone says the magic word (my vote goes for either "tragic" or "odd"), the lid pops open and my bungee-corded body swoops down to about eye level before getting sproinged back up into the box.

Option 2a: Have 'valets' take the car keys of mourners as they arrive. Let the service proceed as with Option 2, but.....pinata. 'Nuff said.

Option 3, the 'Make Sure Deb Never Dates Again' option: Stuffed and mounted on the couch in the living room. And please, see that I get one of those taxidermists who can give me the eyes that seem to be looking at you wherever you are in the room.

Oh, and as for the gravestone...those Eternal Flame thingies? Boo yeah. But gimme one that shoots a huge burst of fire twenty feet into the air at random intervals. It'll keep the groundskeepers on their toes.

Comments

[siriel.livejournal.com]

lmao.

[spenceraloysius.livejournal.com]

You intend to die before Jesse Helms?

Re:

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

The odds of that are looking worse and worse, aren't they? I'm sure that when the time comes an appropriate Klan/neo-Nazi hatemonget will step up to the plate and be the obvious target du jour...

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Okay. My ribs hurt now. Oaken, this was *painfully* funny.

[issendai.livejournal.com]

Why save Option 2 until you're dead when you have so many wild birthday parties to throw before then?

[faekat.livejournal.com]

That's what I said. Next party, pinata...

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

Ooooo....*adds this to list of scavenger hunt ideas*

[faekat.livejournal.com]

You're too funny, Oaken. At least this time I didn't have to run to the bathroom from all the laughing.

My funeral would suck?! Not if you did the eulogy like I want.

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

Oh, it would SO suck. And I shall tell you why, though this is ultra-top-double-dog secret: I am the worst cryer in the world.

When I cry, see, it's not one of those heartwarming "aw, how touching, a man displaying his emotions" displays. There's...well....no way to sugarcoat it. There's snot. Lots and lots and LOTS of snot. It's Snottapalooza.

There's usually some phlegm. A little bit of wheezing and choking (because of the previously mentioned events). And on the most painful occasions, the 'last ten minutes of Iron Giant' level tragedies?

.........gas has been known to escape.




So trust me. Even if you want me at your funeral, the other mourners wouldn't.

Re:

[faekat.livejournal.com]

So you're the sobbing funeral goer! I knew it was you!

[rigel.livejournal.com]

Dude. The pinata idea is freeeeeeeeaky.

And this is me being dumb, but who is Deb, other than your SO? Have I met her? If so, when?

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

You aren't dumb at all! It's just that Deb is stealthy and has many interests very different from the norm (which is me). (Ooo, frightening, isn't it?)

We keep meaning to go to Manray, and/or you could come to either Cowboy Bebop or KAF, in which case I'd be happy to introduce you two. :)

[rigel.livejournal.com]

KAF?

And, in general, sounds good to me!

[akycha.livejournal.com]

Since cannibalism is illegal, I propose another option:

We take your deathmask with plaster, and then use the plaster cast to make the face of a life-sized chocolate effigy of you and fill it with truffles according to your recipe. Put it in a coffin-shaped box and serve it to the mourners at the wake.

I loved your options too, by the way.

Other Rose
$

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

You know, if you set that effigy upright and posed the arms properly, I'd look like Han Solo frozen in carbonite! It could be a Theme Funeral!

[akycha.livejournal.com]

Cool! Do you suppose we could get the funeral home to do the deathmask in that horrified look, too?

Other Rose
†

[somehedgehog.livejournal.com]

Now see, if I drank coffee, this would be the part where I spew it all over my computer screen. Yargh! :)