(no subject)
Jul. 25th, 2003 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oakenguyDear 20th Century Fox:
Pursuant to our agreement, here is the bill for damages and mental anguish caused by viewing the movie "LXG".
First, the standard fees:
* Villainous plot so bafflingly stupid only lobotomized monkeys could have come up with it: $5
*Story that would have been over in five minutes if any hero had stopped to question any captured bad guy: $5
* Blatant disregard for basic laws of physics, particularly those dealing with velocity: $5
* The "we destroyed the continent in order to save it" approach to heroic triumph: $5
*A budget for the villain so huge he could have easily bought any of the countries he was struggling to take over: $5
*Plot "twist" telegraphed so far in advance that there were road signs on the way to the theater reading "PLOT TWIST 100 YARDS": $5
* "A-ha, my one vulnerable spot! I will leave it out here in plain sight looking very significant!" penalty: $5
*Bizarrely-unsafe-for-no-particular-reason secret lair: $5
In addition, I must level additional damages specific to this movie:
*Designing a villain who looks like the child created when Doctor Doom slept with a viking: $10
*Managing to create a CGI hero who looks like a man in a bad rubber suit: $10
*A gigantic secret base in..MONGOLIA? $20, and we look forward to Holmes's Helicarrier in the sequel
*Injured supporting characters who on two separate occasions rush past hundreds of extras because the only apparent way to raise an alarm is by telling a main character directly: $20
*That amazing steel body armor that protects you from fifty-foot falls but doesn't guard your crotch: $10
*Vampire. In sunlight. Checking her reflection. 'Nuff said. $20
*Vampire. On a submarine. With no apparent food source. And no one worries. 'Nuff said. $50
*That jaunty calliope music playing in the background whenever the Invisible Man is around: $20
*Icky way Invisible Man resembles Data from Star Trek: $10
*Villainous mooks so stupid they'll stand on the roofs of buildings about to collapse just in case the heroes come their way: $20
*Villainous mooks who gleefully commit suicide so...why, exactly? So they don't have to return to their unsafe secret base in Mongolia? $20
*Criminal "mastermind" who seems compelled to micromanage every skirmish, despite the lack of any real fighting skills or useful weapons: $30
*"Mastermind" who uses very effective weapons in the first four minutes, then forgets about them when heroes appear: $20
*Heroes who, when confronted by highly useful advanced technology, completely ignore it and use their out-of-date gear instead: $10
As usual, please make the payment to the "Wild Wild West Ahh My Brain My Brain Make the Hurting Stop!!! Foundation", at the usual address.
Pursuant to our agreement, here is the bill for damages and mental anguish caused by viewing the movie "LXG".
First, the standard fees:
* Villainous plot so bafflingly stupid only lobotomized monkeys could have come up with it: $5
*Story that would have been over in five minutes if any hero had stopped to question any captured bad guy: $5
* Blatant disregard for basic laws of physics, particularly those dealing with velocity: $5
* The "we destroyed the continent in order to save it" approach to heroic triumph: $5
*A budget for the villain so huge he could have easily bought any of the countries he was struggling to take over: $5
*Plot "twist" telegraphed so far in advance that there were road signs on the way to the theater reading "PLOT TWIST 100 YARDS": $5
* "A-ha, my one vulnerable spot! I will leave it out here in plain sight looking very significant!" penalty: $5
*Bizarrely-unsafe-for-no-particular-reason secret lair: $5
In addition, I must level additional damages specific to this movie:
*Designing a villain who looks like the child created when Doctor Doom slept with a viking: $10
*Managing to create a CGI hero who looks like a man in a bad rubber suit: $10
*A gigantic secret base in..MONGOLIA? $20, and we look forward to Holmes's Helicarrier in the sequel
*Injured supporting characters who on two separate occasions rush past hundreds of extras because the only apparent way to raise an alarm is by telling a main character directly: $20
*That amazing steel body armor that protects you from fifty-foot falls but doesn't guard your crotch: $10
*Vampire. In sunlight. Checking her reflection. 'Nuff said. $20
*Vampire. On a submarine. With no apparent food source. And no one worries. 'Nuff said. $50
*That jaunty calliope music playing in the background whenever the Invisible Man is around: $20
*Icky way Invisible Man resembles Data from Star Trek: $10
*Villainous mooks so stupid they'll stand on the roofs of buildings about to collapse just in case the heroes come their way: $20
*Villainous mooks who gleefully commit suicide so...why, exactly? So they don't have to return to their unsafe secret base in Mongolia? $20
*Criminal "mastermind" who seems compelled to micromanage every skirmish, despite the lack of any real fighting skills or useful weapons: $30
*"Mastermind" who uses very effective weapons in the first four minutes, then forgets about them when heroes appear: $20
*Heroes who, when confronted by highly useful advanced technology, completely ignore it and use their out-of-date gear instead: $10
As usual, please make the payment to the "Wild Wild West Ahh My Brain My Brain Make the Hurting Stop!!! Foundation", at the usual address.
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no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 12:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 12:30 pm (UTC)Vampire. In sunlight.
Someone pointed out that Brams Stoker had his vampires out in sunlight. And since Mina is out of Stoker's Dracula, I think this makes it okay.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 12:47 pm (UTC)Plus, there's just something innately jarring about seeing someone in a gothic black Victorian dress on the deck of a sub at noon on a clear day. A parasol, dark glasses, something! I shouldn't be worrying about whether the vampire character is risking skin cancer!
no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 01:00 pm (UTC)(She's a vampire, though. I bet she's immune to skin cancer. ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 12:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-25 10:04 pm (UTC)(Tim Allen Sound)
ERRRR?
AWWW!
Date: 2003-07-30 11:14 am (UTC)thanks, oakenguy! :P
Re: AWWW!
Date: 2003-07-30 11:30 am (UTC)I'm sorry. At least...um...there are some interesting paintings to look at?
Re: AWWW!
Date: 2003-07-30 05:19 pm (UTC)