(no subject)

[oakenguy]

Dear 20th Century Fox:

Pursuant to our agreement, here is the bill for damages and mental anguish caused by viewing the movie "LXG".

First, the standard fees:

* Villainous plot so bafflingly stupid only lobotomized monkeys could have come up with it: $5
*Story that would have been over in five minutes if any hero had stopped to question any captured bad guy: $5
* Blatant disregard for basic laws of physics, particularly those dealing with velocity: $5
* The "we destroyed the continent in order to save it" approach to heroic triumph: $5
*A budget for the villain so huge he could have easily bought any of the countries he was struggling to take over: $5
*Plot "twist" telegraphed so far in advance that there were road signs on the way to the theater reading "PLOT TWIST 100 YARDS": $5
* "A-ha, my one vulnerable spot! I will leave it out here in plain sight looking very significant!" penalty: $5
*Bizarrely-unsafe-for-no-particular-reason secret lair: $5

In addition, I must level additional damages specific to this movie:
*Designing a villain who looks like the child created when Doctor Doom slept with a viking: $10
*Managing to create a CGI hero who looks like a man in a bad rubber suit: $10
*A gigantic secret base in..MONGOLIA? $20, and we look forward to Holmes's Helicarrier in the sequel
*Injured supporting characters who on two separate occasions rush past hundreds of extras because the only apparent way to raise an alarm is by telling a main character directly: $20
*That amazing steel body armor that protects you from fifty-foot falls but doesn't guard your crotch: $10
*Vampire. In sunlight. Checking her reflection. 'Nuff said. $20
*Vampire. On a submarine. With no apparent food source. And no one worries. 'Nuff said. $50
*That jaunty calliope music playing in the background whenever the Invisible Man is around: $20
*Icky way Invisible Man resembles Data from Star Trek: $10
*Villainous mooks so stupid they'll stand on the roofs of buildings about to collapse just in case the heroes come their way: $20
*Villainous mooks who gleefully commit suicide so...why, exactly? So they don't have to return to their unsafe secret base in Mongolia? $20
*Criminal "mastermind" who seems compelled to micromanage every skirmish, despite the lack of any real fighting skills or useful weapons: $30
*"Mastermind" who uses very effective weapons in the first four minutes, then forgets about them when heroes appear: $20
*Heroes who, when confronted by highly useful advanced technology, completely ignore it and use their out-of-date gear instead: $10

As usual, please make the payment to the "Wild Wild West Ahh My Brain My Brain Make the Hurting Stop!!! Foundation", at the usual address.

Comments

[eroika.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, that good, eh? *gryns*